Little old lady
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he
waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the
hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you
there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one
hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull
up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and
a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Men are like that!
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him tha t she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power failure, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Lily, a 5-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Lily did as she was asked. Mummy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Finlay was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Finlay began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Lily for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Lily quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!"
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in
such great physical condition?"
I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the
fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
""Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk,
that's why he's still alive... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than golfing. How old was your grandfather when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead? He's still akick'n."
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
A Computer Fix
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down...
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.