send me a joke - Newsletter No. 12 - March 30, 2007
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This week's jokes

Little old lady

Men are like that!

Should children witness childbirth?

Italian Men

A Computer Fix

Ever wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Credit: Uwe

Have you missed out on the previous issues?

No. 11 - 23rd Mar 2007

No. 10 - 16th Mar 2007

No. 9 - 9th Mar 2007

No. 8 - 2nd Mar 2007

No. 7 - 15th Feb 2007

No. 6 - 9th Feb 2007

No. 5 - 2nd Feb 2007

No. 4 - 26th Jan 2007

No. 3 - 19th Jan 2007

No. 2 - 12th Jan 2007

No. 1 - 5th Jan 2007

Little old lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Credit: Bhagawati

Men are like that!

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him tha t she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

Credit: Jeevan

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power failure, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Lily, a 5-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Lily did as she was asked. Mummy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Finlay was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Finlay began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Lily for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Lily quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!"

Credit: Jeevan

Italian Men

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" ""Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than golfing. How old was your grandfather when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead? He's still akick'n."

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Credit: Tao

A Computer Fix

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down...

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

Credit: Niketan

Make sure you wear pijamas in bed

naked climbing from firefighter's ladder

see bigger version of picture by clicking on it
Credit: Jeevan

B.Z. Cartoon

unhealthy choice

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Video on an Elephant Birth

elephant being born

see the video by clicking on picture (link to
Credit: Jeevan

Arkansas Razorblack: More good dick

players: Moore Goode Dick

see bigger version of picture by clicking on it

Credit: Jeevan

Maxine's last word

on mondays I feel like a wet dog smells

Credit: Jeevan and Bhagawati