The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Two Crocodiles are sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and says,
"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it?"
"Well," says the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replies the small 'Crock.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em !"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "that's where you're going wrong! You're not getting any real nourishment!"
"You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
On Marriage and Wives
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
The great question which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?"
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. (Henny Youngman)
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
(James Holt McGavran)
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Why was Man created first than women?
Because experiments are done first on animals.