Little old lady humour
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he
waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the
hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you
there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one
hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull
up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and
a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't,
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and
I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son,
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Sex on the Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and
is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.