"Lawyers" sounds like "Liars"
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.....
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the
"Hello!" said the little boy.
"Hi!" replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl.
"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so
they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way
that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade
"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip
dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked.
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
Eight sat-nav blunders
April 2006: Drivers following their sat-nav's instructions through the aptly named village of Crackpot found themselves on a tiny track that was perilously close to the edge of a 100ft cliff. People trying to reverse out of trouble were described as getting 'dangerously close' to the edge.
October 2006: A German driver drove his sports utility vehicle onto a building site, after being told by his sat-nav that he should 'turn right now,' managing to end up destroying a lavatory. The sat-nav was actually instructing him to turn at the next junction and not immediately.
November 2006: A woman was forced to dodge oncoming traffic for 14 miles after her sat-nav sent her the wrong way up the A3(M) dual carriageway between Portsmouth and London. Police say it was a miracle that nobody was injured.
December 2006: An ambulance tasked with moving a male mental patient from King George Hospital in Ilford to Mascalls Park near Brentwood, a journey of around 12 miles - instead ended up at Warley in Manchester, some 200 miles away from their destination. The patient was apparently undisturbed by the events.
January 2007: A 52-year-old woman from Dorking was waiting at a level crossing at Norman's Bay near Eastbourne when her sat-nav told her to turn left. She proceeded to drive her Fiesta onto the track, blocking train services between Brighton and Hastings.
February 2007: Hampshire County Council erect signs to tell HGV drivers following their sat-nav systems that their 'shortcut' was not suitable for big vehicles. Residents of Beacon Hill Lane were reporting damage to their properties as trucks tried to reverse out of the tight road.
March 2007: Following her sat-nav's instructions, a lady drove her 100k Mercedes down a steep road into the River Sence in Leicestershire, ignoring signs that indicated the track was not suitable for motor vehicles. The water swept the car downstream, as the 28-year-old tried to escape by kicking out a window and eventually forced here way out just before the Merc was fully submerged.
March 2007: 60 pupils and teachers were driven through rush-hour traffic in London to Hampton Court in Islington, instead of Hampton Court Palace, where they were supposed to be visiting on a school trip, after the driver missed out an all-important word on his sat-nav.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. (how true)!
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb"
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!