The Inland Revenue
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses, I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway...
From a Blonde's Diary
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
Got fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. But bottles won't fit in typewriter!
Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years!"
Tried to make Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions. 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
Was asked if the capital of California is "C".....isn't it?
Hate M&Ms, they are so hard to peel.
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108.
Couldn't call 911. There's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the
black panties, and he was in his birthday suit – but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If god meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.