Friday Night
A guy goes out clubbing and spots this lovely looking Chinese girl and without a moment to lose asks her to dance. They get on very well, more dances,
a few drinks and at the end of the night she asks him "would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" which of course he does. They
arrive at her flat and she tells him to sit down, have a drink while she slips on something more comfortable.
Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see though nightie and says, "tonight I'm you're complete sex slave, you can do anything you
want" to which he replies "wow that's great, I'd really like a 69!"
"Fuck off!" she says, "I'm not cooking this time of night!"
Credit: Bhagawati
Men's answer to Maxine
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created a Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Credit: Jeevan and KP
Another Friday Night
A guy goes to see his doctor about a problem that he has. Once in the surgery, the doc asks the guy what is wrong with him. The guy replies "well doc, you see I've got this problem and it's really quite embarrassing..." "Go on," says the doctor. "Well," continues the guy "I've got an orange penis..." "Never!" says the doctor "I'm sorry but I don't believe you."
So the man pulls down his trousers and underpants, 'whips it out' and sure enough there for all to see is a bright orange penis. "Well I never," says the doc. "This is a form of a rash that I have seen in other parts of the body, but never 'there', and it's normally caused by great amounts of stress in a person's life - can you tell me about your work life?"
The guy replies "well, I got sacked two months ago..." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "I really hated my last job - the hours were terrible, the work was boring and my boss was a total prick. Now I've got a new job with better pay, better hours, it's interesting and my boss is cool."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your home life?" To this the guy replies "Well, I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife." "Ah!" says the doctor, "so that must be the problem." "Well I don't think so," replies the guy, "She was a real bitch, my ex-wife. All she did all day was nag, nag, nag - I'm so glad to be rid of her."
"Ok," says the doc, "So that isn't the problem. What about your social life?" To this the guy replies "err... well I don't really have one - most nights I just stay home, watch porn and eat Cheetos..."
Credit: Bhagawati
Australian tourist Q&A
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a
sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Credit: Roland
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