Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
if this was a repeat, sorry, but I just love this joke, hehehehe
The Lord Understands
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a
bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said,
"Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for
that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of
the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
If you have avoided the video, well here you have something similar in print...
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs to be washed.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye – they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do...
When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long.
Don't laugh – if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
Credit: Jeevan – turned 80 this year – if we did not have her these newsletters would be blank!
Being 85 Years Old
An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like
this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing."
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out,
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her
knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."