A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds? "
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? "
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She is going to kill me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read and It say "Polish Remover."
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy anniversary Mum and Dad," rushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Brisbane between court hearings and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."
The Pretzel Hold
The scene was the last Olympic games. In the quarters of the American wrestling team stood John Mack, the trainer, warning his protegee, Mike "Bull" Flamm, about the forthcoming match.
"You know," Mack said, "the Russian wrestler you are about to tackle, Ivan Katruvsky, is one of the greatest wrestlers in the world. But he really is not as good as you are. The only thing he’s got that makes him a terror is his pretzel-hold. If he once gets a man in his pretzel-hold, that man is doomed. He has used the pretzel-hold on twenty-seven competitors, and in each case his opponent gave up within ten seconds.
"So, listen to me, Bull, you have got to be damned careful. Never let him get you in that pretzel-hold. If he once clamps you in it, you’re a goner!" Bull listened carefully to Mack’s instructions on how to avoid that crippling grip of Ivan’s.
For the first three minutes of the bout, neither the American nor the Russian could gain an advantage. The crowd was on edge.
Then, suddenly, pandemonium broke loose – Bull Flamm had fallen into the clutches of Ivan’s pretzel-hold and was moaning in agony. Mack knew the match was lost, and he left the arena in deep gloom. Down the corridor, the echoes of Bull’s anguished cries still reached him.
And then, as Mack was about to enter his quarters, he heard an enormous shout arise from the stadium, a cheer the likes of which he had never heard in all his long experience. The stands were in absolute uproar. From the shouts, Mack knew that Bull had won the match, but he couldn’t understand it. What could have caused the unthinkable turnabout?
A minute later Flamm came trotting into the American dressing room. His trainer threw his arms around him, and said, "Bull, how in hell did you ever get out of that pretzel-hold?"
"Well," answered Flamm, "he twisted me into such shapes that I never felt such agony in my life. I thought my bones were going to break. And as I was just about to faint I saw two balls hanging in front of me. With one desperate lunge, I bit those balls. Well, Mack, you can’t imagine what a man is capable of when he bites his own balls."