Mary Margaret at School
One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret,
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The nun asked her a third question...
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
At the Races
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing
his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed
the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold,
that horse – a very long shot – won the race. Mitch was most interested to
see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out
onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the
forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and
placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had
blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited
to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest
showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!
Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses,
and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money,
and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He
made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the
priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his
pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and
blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet
every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the
priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses
and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost Now, thanks to
you I've lost all my savings. "The priest nodded wisely and said. That's
the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and the Last Rites."
The Jewish Bra
A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife,
size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmm, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you
want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwownwabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally givth a thit."