Marriage
The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a
beautiful s8xy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife,
the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a
divorce!"
The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you
cheating creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so
defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed
she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had
not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight.
When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled
them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While
she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of
holes so I threw them away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no
longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I
don't have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that
you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after
you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she
turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her
cheeks, she asked me, ‘Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't
use?’"
Credit: Bhagawati
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am " He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, "It is 5:00am. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Credit: Jeevan
Tick Warning
I hate it when people send me by e-mail bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times, unintentionally. But this one is real, and it's important.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, do not do it, this is a scam!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Credit: Jeevan
The Chicken and Egg Story
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
Credit: Jeevan
Ambiguities
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the whole purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for 'synonym'?
Credit: Jeevan
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