Lost in the Darnest Places
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread."
Heaven and Hell
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."
"Well," said the cat, "I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
"Say no more," says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
"All our life," the mice say, "we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
"Never been happier," says the cat, stretching and yawning. "And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great."
Credit: Jeevan / Abhijat
Classifieds (if they are not in your mother tongue)
For sale – SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Rani who lives with him cheap.
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Rani, who lives with him after 7PM."
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday.
The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale – SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Rani who loves with him."
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Rani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
A Test for a Friday (how much of your brain is left?)
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said,
"bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell " silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may
It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water."
Then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions? If you
said "glass, " go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (if you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany – this is an old joke...)
Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing
procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land"
between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said anything else, You are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane
crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors, " proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on in Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was you driving, weren't you?