Elderly Gentlemen
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Credit: Jeevan
Pizza
Er: "Ich bestell Pizza. Willst du auch was?"
Sie: "Nein."
Er: "Okay."
Sie: "...oder doch?!"
Er: "Was denn nun?"
Sie: "Ich weiss nicht."
Er: "Du weisst nicht, ob du was willst?"
Sie: "Nein."
Er: "Hast du Hunger?"
Sie: "Keine Ahnung, irgendwie schon."
Er: "Was heisst 'irgendwie'...?"
Sie: "Das heisst, dass ich mir nicht sicher bin."
Er: "Wenn ich Hunger hab, dann merk ich das."
Sie: "Vielleicht hab ich ja nachher Hunger."
Er: "Also bestell ich dir was."
Sie: "Und wenn ich spaeter doch nichts mehr will...?"
Er: "Dann isst du es halt nicht."
Sie: "Das ist doch Verschwendung."
Er: "Dann heb's dir eben fuer morgen auf."
Sie: "Und wenn ich morgen gar keinen Appetit auf Pizza habe?"
Er: "Pizza kann man immer essen."
Sie: "Ich nicht."
Er: "Dann such dir was anderes aus."
Sie: "Ich will aber gar nichts anderes."
Er: "Also doch Pizza."
Sie: "Nein."
Er: "Also gar nichts."
Sie: "Doch."
Er: "Du machst mich verrueckt."
Sie: "Warum bestellst du dir nicht schon mal was...?"
Er: "Wie du meinst..."
Sie: "Aber nimm die Pizza mit Schinken."
Er: "Ich mag aber gar keinen Schinken."
Sie: "Ich schon."
Er: "Ich dachte ich sollte MIR was bestellen...?!"
Sie: "Sollst du ja auch."
Er: "Und warum dann Schinken...?"
Sie: "Falls ich Hunger kriege, wenn dein Essen da ist."
Er: "Und?"
Sie: "Glaubst du, ich will was essen, was mir nicht schmeckt?"
Er: "Wieso du?"
Sie: "Wieso nicht?"
Er: "Moment... ich soll also MIR was bestellen, das DU dann essen kannst,
falls du eventuell doch Hunger bekommen solltest...?!"
Sie: "Genau."
Er: "Und was bitte soll ICH dann essen?"
Sie: "Na, vielleicht hab ich ja nachher gar keinen Hunger..."
Anmerkung:
Das Landgericht Frankfurt sprach IHN vom Vorwurf des Totschlages im Affekt frei und erkannte auf Notwehr.
Credit: Bhagawati
Out of the mouths of babes
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl
said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma..."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this
kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl
was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,
had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if
he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh
of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Credit: Tao via Bhagawati
Mid-Life Crisis
After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house,
a nice car, a big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a
cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
I shut up and took out the trash!!
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
Credit: Jeevan
Ein Oesterreicher und ein Schweizer
Ein Oesterreicher kommt zu einem Coca-Cola Automaten und wirft eine Muenze
ein. Die Maschine spuckt eine Coca-Cola aus.
Der Oesterreicher scheint erstaunt. Er geht schnell zur Bank um seine
Banknoten in Muenzen umzutauschen, kommt zurueck und wirft wie verrueckt
Muenzen ein. Die Maschine gibt ihm natuerlich jedesmal einen Drink.
Ein Schweizer tritt hinter den Oesterreicher und schaut fuer einige Minuten
zu. Dann sagt er:
"Entschuldige! Wuerdest Du mich auch mal an den Automaten lassen?"
Der Oesterreicher wendet sich erbost um und sagt:
"Kannst Du nicht sehen, dass ich gerade eine Gewinnstraehne habe?"
Credit: Sabine T
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