Friday Jokes

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3 - 19th January 2007

www.punyajokes.com

Cartoon of the Day

You can send me a joke.

More scary heights: Short stroll in a Chinese national park- LINK to photos (Credit: Jeevan)

Is Mommy near the phone?

Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause...

Longer Pause...

Even Longer Pause...

Then Daddy says, "...Swimming pool? ...Is this 974-486-5731?"

Credit: Bhagawati

It appears Jeevan cannot get enough thrill out of heights. Below is another collection, this time from USA, of a glass bridge over the Grand Canyon.

Credit: Silvia

 

Credit: Gino

The Cat

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi Driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

credit: Jeevan

Credit: Jeevan

 

 

Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Credit: Tao (via Bhagawati)

Stupid Videos (Credit: Ildiko)

You write - she talks - LINK - there are different languages you choose from (Credit: Bhagawati)

Classic Oneliners

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

- - -

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: I AM 60! Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

Credit: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others (via Jeevan)