The Dept. of Highways
A Minnesota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a
possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go into that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go where I want. See this authorization card? I am allowed to go
wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the
fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at
every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card! Show him your card!!"
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a
$500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen
TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that
you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
Three holy men and a bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
New Cards at Hallmark
I guess they had a bad day...
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder,
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia)
You look great for your age.
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.