The Bear Hunt
...never mind if we have heard it before...
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering it briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
At the Doctor's
A man was very embarrassed about his small prick. So one day he decided to go to the doctor for a new one.
"We have three sizes for you to choose from," began the doctor. "We have the regular six-inch model, then we have the super eight-inch classic, and last we have the ten-inch super deluxe."
"Wow," says the man. "I will go for the ten-inch super deluxe." So the doctor went into the next room and brought out the ten incher for the man to look at.
"Well, doc," says the man, "I love it. It is really great. But do you have it in white?"
A Good Catholic
An Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the confessional, the man said, "Father... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy." so I hid her in the attic.
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It’s worse than that, father, she started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, father. That’s a great load off my mind... But I do have
one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Fountain of Youth
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $ 15,000. and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Mc Donald’s and asks the counter
girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I’d guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I’m 50."
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I’d say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
The old man says, "Promise you won’t get mad?"
"I promise I won’t," she says.
"I was behind you at McDonald’s."
Once Upon a Time...
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all then the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water...
Houses had thatched roofs thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying: It’s raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the word threshold.
(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbiber out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.
And that’s the truth... Now, whoever said history was boring.