turned out to be an women's issue this week...
The Maid wanted an increase in pay. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first
is that I iron better than you.
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
She got the pay raise...
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
10 Ways to assess if you have oestrogen issues:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every car sticker that says:
"How's my driving? Call 0800-xxx xxx".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
And, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
The Story of the Bronze Rat
A woman is browsing through a curio shop and notices a lifelike bronze statue of a rat. It's so striking she decides to buy it. She asks the shop owner, "How much is this bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.
The woman hands over twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story."
As she walks down the street carrying her bronze rat, she notices a few live rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers and begun to follow her. A bit disconcerted, she walks a little faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats has grown to over a hundred. She starts to trot toward the river. The rats, now numbering in the thousands, their ranks continuing to grow, are following her faster and faster.
Terrified, she runs to the edge of the river and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as she can. Amazingly, millions of rats all jump into the river and drown.
The woman hurries back to the curio shop. "Aha," says the owner, "I bet you have come back for the story."
"Actually no," says the woman. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next
day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he
had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.