Nine months later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. His mother turned around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens.
She opened the window and said, 'Stop that! You'll drown those kittens.' Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should have thought of that before they joined my church."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion
at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female
crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave
about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the
entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
please raise his hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
When Insults Had Class: Churchill
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If
you were my wife, I'd take it."
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... If you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.