Don't Say a Word
Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should've been. His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.
A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnessed this, his girlfriend's father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the goddamn dishes!"
Paddy Is Parking
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday
for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Potentially vs in Reality
Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'in reality'?"
Dad: "I will show you."
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?"
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!"
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars.
Daughter: "Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son, 'potentially' we are sitting on
3 million dollars, but 'in reality' we are living with 2 bitches and a gay!"