Two Frying Pans
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute
the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the student who finished in one minute got an A. The rest of the group wondered how he could have
gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
This is what he wrote: "What chair?"
A psychic's prediction
"There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt, prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then
at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the
question, she simply had to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I
get away with it?"
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "That's it! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They made presentations.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency but Satan was faster.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come
he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."